Realization

Well guys, guess what. 

I don’t have it all together.

Tonight as I was loading dishes into my dishwasher, I was thinking about a lady in the neighborhood who visited us right after we moved in with a warm loaf of homemade bread.

Then I started thinking about her and all the other nice ladies in our ward who have it together.  They are smart, kind, wonderful mothers and friends, have a strong testimony in the gospel, are amazingly fit, and are overall beautiful on the inside and out.

Well guys, I am definitely not one of those women.

Earlier today I had my yearly evaluation for work with my manager.  He went over some of the anonymous comments that my coworkers made in my peer evaluation.  They went something like this… “Krista always has a smile on her face and never seems stressed, even in a stressful situation.” 

Ummm…do they know who I am? Of course I’m ALWAYS stressed and most of the time I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.  

I feel like I’m barely getting though all my responsibilities in a day and let alone with a happy face.

I am so burned out. I am working full-time as a RN.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and the people that I work with.  However, it definitely is emotionally tolling.  It’s hard to be in the center of everyone, coordinating care, having the patients depend on you and the doctors depending on you.  No matter how hard you are trying to provide the best possible care, someone is always going to be on-edge and you just have to deal with it.  The weight of many family and patient issues definitely weigh on you but in the end it is so rewarding.  

School is… well, school. I’m taking 15 credits right now trying to get my bachelor’s degree in nursing.  I am so over writing papers and doing pointless busywork. It’s hard to give up the toddler’s nap time to school work, but alas, that’s how it must be.

Then there is my sweet, rambunctious 16-month-old.  He is the love of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Some days I want to cry as I wonder what Heavenly Father was thinking, trusting ME of all people to be his mom.  I am not one of those mothers (as mentioned above) who has it all together. 

I could be more patient.

I could laugh more and scold less.

I could actually cook, use the workout plans, or housecleaning tips that I pin on pinterest. 

I could be better about saying my prayers and reading my scriptures.

I could wake up early before the toddler does on my days off and work out.  

I could take better care of the housework and laundry instead of browsing facebook or pinterest in my spare time. 

But guess what, I don’t because I don’t have it all together…. And I’m ok with that. 

I’m sick of beating myself up over what I could have done or should have done.

I am tired of trying to be perfect.

I am OK with who I am and how I got here.  I love my life, despite the hard time.  I love my family and always want to put them first, no matter what.

Guess what guys, I’m not going to stress anymore. 

I am going to live my life and not just get through it.

I’m going to do my best and realize that that IS good enough.