A New Chapter

There are so many things on my mind lately.  I might just write a few posts because none of them really coorelate.  This has been a crazy week.  So many emotions, so many worries.  I'm tired.  Over the past few days I've been trying to clean out my scrapbook room so that I can start getting the nursery together.  I went through all of my old school stuff from K-12.  What an interesting experience that was.  I read through my progress reports from Elementry.  My teachers would mention how well I did academically but that I needed to work on my social skills because I was so shy.  Then I looked through my assignments from junior high and highschool.  I still cared about my grades, but my main focus was on boys.  I laughed, thinking what my elementry school teachers would have thought seeing how "social" I was in highschool (if that's what you call it).

Then I got to my college section.  Textbooks, binders after binders full of notes that I thought I would one day review.  Review books for my RN boards.  Then I started to go through these binders one by one, throwing every last paper away.  I sorted through the textbooks and kept a mere 4 that I thought that I may actually want to look back at again.  I gave some textbooks away.  One by one the past 4 years of my life shrivled away.  All that hard work that was thrown away in a matter of minutes.  It was a bitter sweet moment for me.  Although I am so glad that I'm done with school there is a piece of me that is missing it.  I feel somewhat unaccomplished.  I feel that I have more potential and I could go to more school... but why? I feel that school is something that has always been a part of my life, something dependable, something to take up my days and give me something to worry about... but now what?

It was a very symbolic moment for me.  I feel that all of these years have been building up to my life right now.  I am getting rid of the old, and starting with the new.  I am starting a new chapter in my life. Being a mom.  The most important thing that I could ever do with my life.  I have not lost my potential, just because I am done with school.  I have redirected my potential to a life that is more meaningful.  I have direction in my life.  I'm so excited to raise this little boy with my sweetheart.  Do I feel overwhelmed and sometimes inadequate?  Very.  However, I know that for some reason Heavenly Father has trusted us to be parents.  It's scary... but so exciting.  I can't wait for him to get here.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself and realize that it's real.  I am constantly worrying that everything will be ok (I'm already a mom).  I was a little scared to be excited for a while because I didn't want to get really excited and then have something happen to him.  I'm still scared.  Every day I think of how lucky we are to have come one more day with a healthy little boy inside me.  All I can do is trust in The Lord and pray that everything will be ok. 

I already love this little guy so much.