There are so many things on my mind lately. I might just write a few posts because none of them really coorelate. This has been a crazy week. So many emotions, so many worries. I'm tired. Over the past few days I've been trying to clean out my scrapbook room so that I can start getting the nursery together. I went through all of my old school stuff from K-12. What an interesting experience that was. I read through my progress reports from Elementry. My teachers would mention how well I did academically but that I needed to work on my social skills because I was so shy. Then I looked through my assignments from junior high and highschool. I still cared about my grades, but my main focus was on boys. I laughed, thinking what my elementry school teachers would have thought seeing how "social" I was in highschool (if that's what you call it).
Then I got to my college section. Textbooks, binders after binders full of notes that I thought I would one day review. Review books for my RN boards. Then I started to go through these binders one by one, throwing every last paper away. I sorted through the textbooks and kept a mere 4 that I thought that I may actually want to look back at again. I gave some textbooks away. One by one the past 4 years of my life shrivled away. All that hard work that was thrown away in a matter of minutes. It was a bitter sweet moment for me. Although I am so glad that I'm done with school there is a piece of me that is missing it. I feel somewhat unaccomplished. I feel that I have more potential and I could go to more school... but why? I feel that school is something that has always been a part of my life, something dependable, something to take up my days and give me something to worry about... but now what?
It was a very symbolic moment for me. I feel that all of these years have been building up to my life right now. I am getting rid of the old, and starting with the new. I am starting a new chapter in my life. Being a mom. The most important thing that I could ever do with my life. I have not lost my potential, just because I am done with school. I have redirected my potential to a life that is more meaningful. I have direction in my life. I'm so excited to raise this little boy with my sweetheart. Do I feel overwhelmed and sometimes inadequate? Very. However, I know that for some reason Heavenly Father has trusted us to be parents. It's scary... but so exciting. I can't wait for him to get here. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and realize that it's real. I am constantly worrying that everything will be ok (I'm already a mom). I was a little scared to be excited for a while because I didn't want to get really excited and then have something happen to him. I'm still scared. Every day I think of how lucky we are to have come one more day with a healthy little boy inside me. All I can do is trust in The Lord and pray that everything will be ok.
I already love this little guy so much.