It hurts. Sometimes I feel like The Lord doesn’t trust me enough to have a child, to raise one of His own. I feel inadequate. Somewhere in me I know that this is irrational, but I do know that I need to be better. To become the person that I know I need to be. To be able to one day raise one of my Heavenly Father’s children like I know He would want me to.
I hate when people ask me when we’re going to have kids and why we haven’t yet. I want to scream at them, “We’re trying! Obviously we want kids!”, but I know that it isn’t their fault for asking, they don’t know. I don’t want to make the situation worse by bringing the mood down and making them feel bad for an innocent question. So here we are, Cody and I, left to laughing the situation off. We still make light of the mood because many people do not know that we are trying.
The few people that do know that we are trying constantly ask us if we’re pregnant yet, this only makes the situation worse.
Trust me, when we’re pregnant and ready to tell people, we’ll tell you.
I hate feeling this way. I don’t want to be sad because it makes Cody feel bad. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it’s his. We don’t know. And honestly, it hasn’t been THAT long… but that only leaves us to wonder how long this will go on.
I guess I should feel grateful, because only He knows what the future will hold. Maybe He is waiting for me to get established in my career or for us to be more financially stable. I don’t know, but I wish I did.
All I know is that I want a baby… And it’s hard to wait.