Realization

Well guys, guess what. 

I don’t have it all together.

Tonight as I was loading dishes into my dishwasher, I was thinking about a lady in the neighborhood who visited us right after we moved in with a warm loaf of homemade bread.

Then I started thinking about her and all the other nice ladies in our ward who have it together.  They are smart, kind, wonderful mothers and friends, have a strong testimony in the gospel, are amazingly fit, and are overall beautiful on the inside and out.

Well guys, I am definitely not one of those women.

Earlier today I had my yearly evaluation for work with my manager.  He went over some of the anonymous comments that my coworkers made in my peer evaluation.  They went something like this… “Krista always has a smile on her face and never seems stressed, even in a stressful situation.” 

Ummm…do they know who I am? Of course I’m ALWAYS stressed and most of the time I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.  

I feel like I’m barely getting though all my responsibilities in a day and let alone with a happy face.

I am so burned out. I am working full-time as a RN.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and the people that I work with.  However, it definitely is emotionally tolling.  It’s hard to be in the center of everyone, coordinating care, having the patients depend on you and the doctors depending on you.  No matter how hard you are trying to provide the best possible care, someone is always going to be on-edge and you just have to deal with it.  The weight of many family and patient issues definitely weigh on you but in the end it is so rewarding.  

School is… well, school. I’m taking 15 credits right now trying to get my bachelor’s degree in nursing.  I am so over writing papers and doing pointless busywork. It’s hard to give up the toddler’s nap time to school work, but alas, that’s how it must be.

Then there is my sweet, rambunctious 16-month-old.  He is the love of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Some days I want to cry as I wonder what Heavenly Father was thinking, trusting ME of all people to be his mom.  I am not one of those mothers (as mentioned above) who has it all together. 

I could be more patient.

I could laugh more and scold less.

I could actually cook, use the workout plans, or housecleaning tips that I pin on pinterest. 

I could be better about saying my prayers and reading my scriptures.

I could wake up early before the toddler does on my days off and work out.  

I could take better care of the housework and laundry instead of browsing facebook or pinterest in my spare time. 

But guess what, I don’t because I don’t have it all together…. And I’m ok with that. 

I’m sick of beating myself up over what I could have done or should have done.

I am tired of trying to be perfect.

I am OK with who I am and how I got here.  I love my life, despite the hard time.  I love my family and always want to put them first, no matter what.

Guess what guys, I’m not going to stress anymore. 

I am going to live my life and not just get through it.

I’m going to do my best and realize that that IS good enough.

Kayson: 3 months (a little late)

Friday December 28, 2012 (I'm pretty late posting this)

My little Kayson, you are just over 3 months old!  You are growing up so fast I can hardly believe it.  You have been such a joy to have in our family.  This month I feel like you have changed so much.  You are so big and strong.  You love sitting up in the bumbo chair and have even been able to sit up by yourself without the chair for a few seconds.  You want to be standing up with help all the time, you are one strong little boy with strong little legs! You love to play with your toys (especially the ones that make fun noises and have lights).  I read to you, but you don’t have much of an attention span for that most of the time.  You love sports!  You’ve been to a few basketball games of Dad’s and you watched the whole thing.  You also love watching football or basketball with Dad. You make so many fun cooing noises and you are always telling us stories.  You have a little laugh but it sounds like a cough.  You get so excited that you kick your feet and close your eyes and laugh (cough), it’s so cute.  You think it’s so funny when you poop or pee on mom.  You still love taking baths so much! You’re so handsome.  Daddy and I think you are so cute.  We still don’t know for sure what color your eyes are going to be, but we’re thinking hazel.

You are now eating 6 oz. of formula sometimes every 2 hours during the day.  I stopped nursing you just before I went back to work a couple of weeks ago.  I miss nursing you so much sometimes.  It was really hard because a lot of times you were just not satisfied and then it would hurt so bad that I could only nurse you once a day, usually.  I was also so stressed about pumping when I got back to work so I just decided to give you formula all the time since you seemed to be doing so well with it.  It has been a hard adjustment being back at work.  I cried the few days before I went back because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you.  I felt like such a bad mom to leave you with babysitters.  Luckily I have had your Grandma Julie and Aunt Cozy watch you so I know that you are in good hands.  You have loved being babysat! You have so much fun at their houses.  You get spoiled rotten while you’re there.  You’re always glad to see me when I get home, though.  Luckily I only have to leave you for 3 days a week because I work such long days.

Your dad was able to bless your earlier this month.  We didn’t end up doing it in our ward.  We did it at the church on a Sunday night and had our close family and friends come.  We had over 100 people there, all of those people came to show their love and support for you!  It was a beautiful blessing.  There was such a strong spirit there.  Afterword Dad and I both got up to bare out testimony.  Your uncle BJ played a beautiful musical number on the piano (which you absolutely loved, you started the piano the whole time). Grandpa Howard, Grandpa Bret, Great-Grandpa Williams, Great-Grandpa Frampton, Uncle Corey, Uncle Kyler, Uncle Quade, and Dad were all in the circle to bless you.  You were an angle the entire night.

You had your first Christmas! Unfortunately I had to work this Christmas Eve and Christmas day so we celebrated a couple of days early.  Dad & I gave you an exersaucer that you sit up in.  You loved it (for a few minutes)! You also got one of the stand-up tables that has the toys on it, a primary CD, toys, a bunch of books & clothes. You didn’t care too much about the presents; all you wanted was a bottle. Haha.

You have been such a blessing to us and we are so grateful to have you as our little boy.  It’s been so fun to watch you grow up (but I miss my little boy at the same time).  Your daddy and I love you so much! Never forget that.

Love,

Mom

 

 

Life as I know it

My ladies might not be as perky as they once were, my skin not as smooth

Gray roots coming through, too bad they don’t charge by the hair because it would cost half of the price it once did

Stretch marks on parts of my body that I never would have imagined possible and that darn baby weight that I just can’t seem to kick

Bags under my eyes, I’m lucky if I even take a shower

Dishes in the sink, the never ending load of laundry

Apparently we’re still celebrating Halloween in December

What’s for dinner? Oh it’s almost 10 o’clock

Time to put baby in bed and prepare for an early day of work tomorrow

Diaper bag ready, alarm is set for 4:50, now to unwind to try and get a little sleep

Kisses goodnight, nighttime prayers

Baby is sleeping

Thinking back to our day of laughs and tears, hugs and kisses

Never-ending bottles and diapers

Warm baths and splashing baby

Baby telling mommy silly stories and ones of frustration

Excitement when daddy finally comes in the door, now he lays right beside me, exhausted

What a long day

What a great day

Time to sleep so that we can start again tomorrow

Kayson: Month One

My sweet boy, you are just over a month old. You have brought so much joy to me and your daddy. It has been a hard adjustment to have a newborn and everything that comes along with being a new parent but it has been the best time in my life. I love you so, so, much and I tell you that all the time.  “Mama loves you so much!”, “Are you my great big handsome boy?”, “You are such a good boy”, “Daddy loves you so, so much too!”. “Does Grandma love you so much?” (all Grandmas included), “Does Grandpa love you so much?” Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. followed by “YES, they do!”, “Mama and daddy are SO happy we have you!” These are some of the things I tell you all the time and if I am lucky enough I will get a great big smile from you.  You just barely started having purposeful smiles earlier this week and every time you do it, it melts my heart.  You look up at me with those great big eyes (which I still think are going to be brown) and you look at me so content and it makes me feel that you truly do love me.

You are getting to be such a big boy!  You have gained weight and grown so tall.  At 3.5 weeks you were 9 lbs. 11 oz. and I know you’ve grown since then.  You have outgrown all your newborn clothes and are now wearing 0-3 months and some 3 month old clothes.  You are going to be a strong little boy.  Your neck is already so strong; you always try and hold it up by yourself.  You have the strongest grip and kicks!  The other morning I went into your room and you had kicked your way up to the top of the crib. You sleep with your hands above your head and it’s so dang cute.  It makes me smile every time I come in to check on you while you’re sleeping.  You are sleeping pretty good most nights.  You wake up about every 3 hours to eat.  You usually just want to stay awake for a while (an hour usually) and be held and rocked to sleep.  It’s hard to get up sometimes but once I am up I love that time of night because I feel like we get to bond so much as I cuddle you, rock you, and sing to you.  Some of the ones I always sing to you are “I’m a Child of God”, “I Stand All Amazed”, “Child’s Prayer”, “I Hope they Call me on a Mission”, and “I love to see the Temple”.  We play Pandora internet radio on the country station sometimes because you don’t like total silence.  You sleep pretty well through noise, even when Bella barks. You love cuddling up to us and lying on our chests, that’s your favorite spot. You’re starting to make lots of fun cooing sounds and it seems like you just want to talk to us.

I haven’t been nursing you very often because it has still been hurting quite a bit.  I have been pumping and giving it to you in a bottle and then I have also been giving you some formula.  I went into a lactation specialist and they said that you are tongue tied.  They said that may be affecting the way you are nursing and maybe that’s why it’s been painful. We need to take you into the pediatrician to see what she thinks. You LOVE to eat!  When you decide you are hungry you want it right then.  If we have to wait for the bottle to warm up you get so frantic and shake your head back and forth and stick your fingers and fist in your mouth as you cry.  It’s so cute; daddy and I can’t help but laugh when you do it.

You love your daddy so much!  You recognize his voice and many times when you are fussing and daddy takes you, you calm right down.  He is such a proud daddy!  He always carries you around when we are out in public and he shows you off to everyone.  We’ve taken you out everywhere.  You’ve been to so many football games of Uncle BJ’s, Dad’s softball game, Tucano’s restaurant, Chuck-A-Rama, Café Rio, Magelby’s Fresh, Target many times (that’s my favorite place to take you), the mall, Great-Grandma Monson’s, Great-Aunt Kathy’s, Great-Grandma and Grandpa Williams, Great-Grandma and Grandpa Frampton’s, Grandma Jodi and Grandpa Howard’s, Grandma Julie and Grandpa Bret’s house, and Aunt Aubrie and Uncle Corey’s house.  You definitely are not a home-body.  Daddy always lies on the couch with you after work and holds you.  You two have watched many football games together already and he’s been watching the Presidential Debates with you (Mitt Romney and Barak Obama).  I’m glad that he has somebody to watch those things with; you don’t seem to mind as long as daddy has you.  Daddy gets up with you at night too and he changes so many diapers.  He gives you bottles for me.  When he gets home from work he always comes and gives us both kisses then he takes you from me and loves you.  I’m so lucky to have him as a husband and you’re so lucky to have him as a daddy.

You have had so many little cousins/friends be born lately, you’re so lucky.  Jaden Green is just a couple of weeks older than you, Peyton Hooley is a few weeks younger than you, and Haylee Wilkes was just born yesterday!  There are so many others that will be born soon too.

Kayson, your daddy and I love you so much.  We are so eternally grateful for you.  I feel so blessed to have you in my life.  I thank Heavenly Father all the time for sending you to me. I feel so blessed that we can be sealed to you for time and all eternity. I hope you always remember how much we love you and remember how much Heavenly Father loves you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kayson's Newborn Pictures